Like Trash

Do we ever think before we break a heart?

Or hurt someone?

I wonder if the ones who hurt me even remember that they touched me. Held me. Kissed me.

I wonder if they remember all of the lies they told, or how they treated me after.

Some apologized, offering booze for my underage pleasure as a parting gift. Some asked me to never tell anyone that we even met.

I remember them.

I remember the hope and then the immediate shame and regret.

There is only one man who ever treated me kindly, and I hurt him.

I’m sorry.

I should look back and consider you a beacon of hope. A glimpse of what romance should look like.

I wish I thought of you more than all the rest.

I wish I remembered the way you kissed me, but all I can remember is the way the others looked at me like I was trash.

A waste of space.

Nothing more than a hole to put their dick in.

I don’t think I’ll ever get better.

Once something has been so completely shattered, it’s almost impossible to find all the pieces, let alone put it back together again.

Thats how I feel.

Some Nights

Some nights my friends get it all.

I don’t know if they know that they have it, but they do.

They laugh, and smile, and love themselves.

Other people love them too.

Some nights I feel prettier.

Im not prettier, I just feel it.

I laugh, and smile, and… love myself?

No one loves me.

Some days it gets easier.

The sun comes up, and I sing to the radio.

But then, the sun goes down.

My pretty friends get prettier.

They laugh, and smile, and love themselves.

Other people love them too.

Some nights, I don’t care.

I don’t care if Im fat, or ugly.

I don’t care about my grades, or my job.

I don’t care.

Some nights, it sucks.

It hurts all the way to my feet.

I feel it in my lower back.

No one loves me.

Some nights.

Sorry For Smiling

You know what the problem is with being bubbly?

No one ever takes you seriously. You begin to get used to no one ever hearing any weight in your words so you intentionally take the weight out, because you might as well behave the way people expect you to.

You start noticing how much you talk, and start apologizing for all the words you constantly spout.

People make light and make fun of everything you do, but thats okay because you were being silly anyways.

Once in a while¬†you say something gloomy or dark, people brush it off quickly because they aren’t used to you saying anything other than flowers and rainbows.

You start nit picking every movement, every outfit, every facial expression.

You try to dim your light, but it keeps sneaking through, and then you catch yourself being too bubbly again. You apologize for speaking too much, and the cycle repeats itself.

You lock yourself away where you can’t annoy anyone. You cry by yourself because people don’t know what to do when you’re upset.

You try to remain calm when you get excited, because it’s ridiculous to other people that you would be so excited about such little things.

All the while, you still remain bubbly, but you’re ashamed and apologetic for it.

I don’t know how to end this cycle. All I know is that I’m living in it.

I’m sorry if this post wasn’t an encouraging one, but you will probably just brush it off anyway.